stuck in reverse

I feel like a dog that keeps trying to run away from my owner, but I keep getting whiplash as my hearts all strung up to this place. Clark Tanner told me on the phone one day after he left the island, "Im still heartbroken about it" 

  I get it now.

I keep thinkin about the sugar cane fields and riding in the back of trucks.  The lush mountains, how the sunshine is gentle and powerful at the same time, like everything on the island. I miss the way the mornings feel. How excited I am to wake up every day and ride my bike.

 I miss the songs of the roosters and how the salty air tangles up hair. I miss watching the crashing waves, how their size is the only indication of winter.  

  I miss how people take care of each other.   I miss that everyone wears slippers and lives within walking distance.  I miss having  little traces of sand stuck to my ankles and even the sand that stows away in all my bags. I miss how everything seems possible. I miss Foodland, the darling cashiers, I miss my babies solie and cocobean. I miss Iosepa street and pumping friends on my bike, putting groceries on the handlebars.


I miss getting shave ice with Momi and the kids.  Watching  Mayday and red raiders games.  (Ive actually never been to a redraiders game but the town goes wild whenever they happen ;)

 I miss the temple and hitchhiking and how its easy to get lost in the smell of a plumeria.  I miss simplicity.  I miss the ocean. I miss sneaking into hot tubs.   I miss the Fords and Clark Cahoon.  BYUH.  The flag circle. 

I miss haleiwa. the cute turtles and seals. I miss whale spotting in the winter and riding my bike to the beach with a basket full of paints.

  I miss floating on my back like a dead man.  Kamehameha street. My house by the ocean and all our wild chickens. I miss the stray dogs and feral cats and the giant toads.  I miss the local kine and PCC. I miss bikini beach and the blueness of the ocean.

 I miss dialing 808. I miss flowers in my ear and the barefoot keikies. Taking the bus and chatting with fellow bus riders. How nothing is ever that big of a deal.  I miss walking outside no matter what time of day and everywhere you look is beautiful beyond description.  I MISS MY SISTERS

I miss eating pineapple and Melona bars and having friends from every country.  I miss the huge blue sky and the stary stary nights.  I miss that first breath of air you take when you step off the airplane, how it feels like you werent even breathing for the  past however long you were gone, how you werent all the way alive until you came here. I miss that drive home from the airport and all the sunrises and the sunsets inbetween.  

I love waking up and watching the fishermen at the point or walking there late at night and getting ocean sprayed.  I miss the salt water on my face and feeling like I snap in perfectly like a lego into this perfect space. I miss "going to town" how 2 hours is the furthest distance anyone or anything can possibly be.  

So what am i doing here?

its 4 am

This island of California feels SO big for me.  Will I ever grow into these shoes?

not to be dramatic but what if I am "too in love to let it go?"