churro diaries

I woke up this morning and immediately wanted a churro. Im not pregnant or anything but its not everyday I get cravings, so when they come I try to obey.

I brushed my teeth and tried to get out the door before anything could touch me.  I love the early hours.  I feel like I want to fill my brain with new thoughts before my helmet of normalcy gets strapped on to tell me otherwise.  I love being caught in the inbetween.  Its too bad this wonderful state fades so fast, but its like anything, "nothing gold can stay". 

In Hawaii I live for the mornings when the sun streams through my window, lifts open my eye lids, and pulls me out of bed.  I love looking at all my sleeping roommates, each one of them look perfect.  I put a hoodie on, run down the stairs like its an emergency and pedal as fast as I can to the point to get the best view of the morning. I always feel really special watching the sunsrise like that, like it was painted just for me.  Theres something sacred about it.   Like heavenly father and I are sharing some sort of big wonderful secret.

Driving to Costo I spotted my middle school janitor walking wearing big ear muffs. I wonder about if he got a summer job mowing lawns.  Then I remember hearing about him having a heart attack a few years back, so he must be exercising and hes probably had those head phones since forever.  You never see adults walking on this road, just teenagers who cant drive yet.

I pull into costo, Ive never seen the food court so empty.  Only two windows have the green open signs on.  Theres a lady at one, so I walk up slowly and study the big pictures of pizza and smoothies, looking unsure of what I want even though I know exactly what I want.

   "Can I have a churro?" like I just thought of it.

The boy in the hairnet is about my age and is the first one to smile at me this morning. "1 dollar and 10 cents."
He disappears somewhere, comes back and sets my churro between us. I  hand him my dollar and silver coin and smile. Then he gets this surprised look on his face when I tell him to 'have a good day today'.  I love saying that to people, especially people working in food service and especially in the early morning when you have a whole day to spend it on.

I sit down behind a brick wall so as not to reveal I was eating alone, or that my solo reason in coming to costo was for the churro. I don't know why I care.
I begin to pull apart my prize.  I love doing things before my sanity kicks in. Or is this my sanity?! I love how its all twisted up.  The churro is slightly burned but I enjoy every bite.   I love the textures, crisp and hot on the outside, warm and soft on the inside. I love the Cinnamon sugar crystals on my fingers and the thin almost transparent paper the churro comes in. I love individualized things. When things are JUST for you.

 The new morning sun is kissing my arms and  my face and I feel happy.  Sun!

I see a girl out of the corner of my eye that was supposed to be in my high school graduating class but who disappeared half way through sophomore year.  I saw her a few years ago around Christmas time working here and she blurted out that she had a son in the first sentence. I hope she didn't feel like she had to tell me. I see her now squatting down putting out a cigarette.  I wonder how long shes been smoking. If she started before she had a baby or after, and it shes stressed out about something.

I see a man with a cart full of cleaning supplies and snacks. Fruit snacks and oxi clean. I  think about his wife how she must have made him a list of things to get. I think what man buys oxi clean? I look for his left hand.  Its sticking half way out of his pocket and he has a shiny gold ring.  

On the drive home I pass the farmers market and tell myself when I have more money I'll attend farmers markets regularly. Right now I only have a dollar to my name. I think about India.  I think about how there are a million different versions of happiness.  I remember to focus on what I have in my hands and not look too long at the things I dont. 

 In other places. I'm sure they dont have costcos or farmers markets, but Im sure they're just as happy. I wonder about everyone's picture of happiness and flip through different images like Im flipping through a national geographic.

I always want to write something but starting is hard. I decided to start taking filed notes and  go somewhere every morning to write and people watch.

Were all each other has.

 Love this life. Love people watching. And I love this song especially for the morning!


Brooke Self said...

Your writing is so honest here. i love it! And I hope you love that I comment on every single post. haha.. You are awesome Marn. I love you! :)

Amy Hanson said...

:) i get cravings for the hand dipped ice cream bars covered in almonds from costco. i love that you try to obey your cravings. haha. you deserve it. we all do i think.