6.04.2008

James



James
My friend James was the most awesome listener. When I heard the news yesterday I didnt know how to feel or react. I had to call his phone to find out if it was true. True enough, he didnt pick up, but I left him a voice mail anyway. I told him I loved him and how amazing he is, and I know that he heard me enough so that I ended my call with a 'talk to you later'.

I just called his phone again just now to hear his voice, and was surprised to hear a woman with a thick accent pick up. I started to feel almost angry at her, what is she doing with his phone. I felt so frustrated listening to her telling me how she found "my friends phone" under a pile of clothes when she was sweeping at the Good Will in Pearl City. I kept trying to tell her, my friend passed away but she didn't understand at first. Im not sure if I understood at first either.

Its almost odd to see how all the puzzle pieces fit.

We went to Iron Man last month and I had the strongest urge to hold James hand. I dont know why I didnt. I want to not be afraid of things like that. Of telling people how I feel about them, James was good at that.

Anyway Iron man was awesome! But its funny, this day it was as if it was impossible for us to see it, we drove down to the theater, bought tons of snacks and James smuggled his in under his flannel. When we finally got up to the ticketing window they said this showing was sold out, the next showing was at 12:00 midnight. We drove to another theater, and it was already an hour into the showing so we drove all the way back, to the original theater and had 2 hours to kill.

There was something so special about James. He had such a pure heart, and he really cared. I kept waring my brain out yesterday trying to think of the candy he bought that night, I finally remembered, those peachie candies, the circular ones with tons of sugar.

Its weird at first you don't know why things happen. Waiting for two hours for that movie to start maybe some might groan at. But looking back now, those two hours of just talking to James and Al before the movie started are now even more cherished. What a miracle then that Heavenly father let occur, letting us spend time just talking instead of staring silently into darkness.

I remember walking through this hall way with him, James said the ceiling looked like tiny Daggers that were going to fall on us. I wrote him something yesterday in this hallway.

Its good to be in a moving car when you get bad news. It gives you the ability to run away when your body is too stunned to move itself.

My friend James went on to join the angels.

When one life stops and yours keeps going, it makes you want to run.

A million thoughts run through my head. A million things left unsaid.

In this hallway of daggers footsteps tread. Their mine, mine, just mine.

Why did you go? These rattling walls made of stone and cement. They miss you, I miss you, away you went.

Ive heard it said only the good dye young. You, you were gooder than good, you were gold.

I miss your backwards hat, your sideways laugh, your poetic words they find me.

Your converse shoes, have got the blues, friend stay near me awhile.

Little daggers in the sky, little daggers pierce the heart.

Moving far too fast, if only I knew this time Id be back alone.

You were enough you always were.

I shouldn't have been so afraid. Im afraid of heights and afraid of falling for you.

I should have held your hand that day at Iron Man, I should have had you over more, should have made more plans.

But your safe now, at heavens door. I hope you know you are loved and always were.


Its funny the Lord never lets us be sad for too long, but as I wrote in the hallway, this little boy kept peeking around the corner and pretending to shoot me with his hands shaped as a gun. This made me laugh, I felt like James was there making me un sad.


James was a wonderful friend to everyone and I will never forget him.

This song is awesome, Al said this is one of the last songs he listened to with James, and that he really liked it.

People leave us sometimes and its hard to grasp, but love always lives on.

I love James and everyone that has entered my life. Thank you for being my friend.
True Love Will Find You in the End - Daniel Johnston

1 comment:

Moni said...

Marni- beautiful.
Love Monique!